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The complex, deeply binding relationship between mothers and daughters is brought vividly to life in Katie Hafner’s remarkable memoir, an exploration of the year she and her mother, Helen, spent working through, and triumphing over, a lifetime of unresolved emotions.
Dreaming of a “year in Provence” with her mother, Katie urges Helen to move to San Francisco to live with her and Zoë, Katie’s teenage daughter. Katie and Zoë had become a mother-daughter team, strong enough, Katie thought, to absorb the arrival of a seventy-seven-year-old woman set in her ways.
Filled with fairy-tale hope that she and her mother would become friends, and that Helen would grow close to her exceptional granddaughter, Katie embarked on an experiment in intergenerational living that she would soon discover was filled with land mines: memories of her parents’ painful divorce, of her mother’s drinking, of dislocating moves back and forth across the country, and of Katie’s own widowhood and bumpy recovery. Helen, for her part, was also holding difficult issues at bay.
How these three women from such different generations learn to navigate their challenging, turbulent, and ultimately healing journey together makes for riveting reading. By turns heartbreaking and funny—and always insightful—Katie Hafner’s brave and loving book answers questions about the universal truths of family that are central to the lives of so many.
Praise for Mother Daughter Me
“The most raw, honest and engaging memoir I’ve read in a long time.”—KJ Dell’Antonia, The New York Times
“A brilliant, funny, poignant, and wrenching story of three generations under one roof, unlike anything I have ever read.”—Abraham Verghese, author of Cutting for Stone
“Weaving past with present, anecdote with analysis, [Katie] Hafner’s riveting account of multigenerational living and mother-daughter frictions, of love and forgiveness, is devoid of self-pity and unafraid of self-blame. . . . [Hafner is] a bright—and appealing—heroine.”—Cathi Hanauer, Elle
“[A] frank and searching account . . . Currents of grief, guilt, longing and forgiveness flow through the compelling narrative.”—Steven Winn, San Francisco Chronicle
“A touching saga that shines . . . We see how years-old unresolved emotions manifest.”—Lindsay Deutsch, USA Today
“[Hafner’s] memoir shines a light on nurturing deficits repeated through generations and will lead many readers to relive their own struggles with forgiveness.”—Erica Jong, People
“An unusually graceful story, one that balances honesty and tact . . . Hafner narrates the events so adeptly that they feel enlightening.”—Harper’s
“Heartbreakingly honest, yet not without hope and flashes of wry humor.”—Kirkus Reviews
“[An] emotionally raw memoir examining the delicate, inevitable shift from dependence to independence and back again.”—O: The Oprah Magazine (Ten Titles to Pick Up Now)
“Scrap any romantic ideas about what goes on when a 40-something woman invites her mother to live with her and her teenage daughter for a year. As Hafner hilariously and touchingly tells it, being the center of a family sandwich is, well, complicated.”—Parade
From the Hardcover edition.
- Sales Rank: #468811 in Books
- Brand: Hafner, Katie
- Published on: 2014-04-08
- Released on: 2014-04-08
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.99" h x .64" w x 5.16" l, .81 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 304 pages
From Booklist
When Hafner’s octogenarian mother, Helen, is no longer able to care for her ailing life partner in her San Diego home, Hafner hatches a brilliant plan: move Helen to San Francisco to live with her and her teenage daughter, Zoe. It seems like an ideal scenario. Hafner will have a chance to mend the tears in the fabric of her prickly relationship with her mother, whose years raising her daughter were marked by alcohol-fueled bouts of rage. And Zoe will become better acquainted with a grandmother she’s never really known. But immediately Zoe has concerns, namely, what will happen to her strong bond with her mom. (Since Zoe’s father died of a heart attack at 45, Zoe and her mother have grown remarkably close.) Zoe doesn’t simply tell me everything, says Hafner, she entrusts me with her fragile heart. Veteran journalist Hafner writes with compassion and wit about the often uneasy alliances between mothers and daughters and the surprising ways in which relationships can be redeemed even late in life. --Allison Block
Review
“The most raw, honest and engaging memoir I’ve read in a long time.”—KJ Dell’Antonia, The New York Times
“A brilliant, funny, poignant, and wrenching story of three generations under one roof, unlike anything I have ever read.”—Abraham Verghese, author of Cutting for Stone
“Weaving past with present, anecdote with analysis, [Katie] Hafner’s riveting account of multigenerational living and mother-daughter frictions, of love and forgiveness, is devoid of self-pity and unafraid of self-blame. . . . [Hafner is] a bright—and appealing—heroine.”—Cathi Hanauer, Elle
“[A] frank and searching account . . . Currents of grief, guilt, longing and forgiveness flow through the compelling narrative.”—Steven Winn, San Francisco Chronicle
“A touching saga that shines . . . We see how years-old unresolved emotions manifest.”—Lindsay Deutsch, USA Today
“[Hafner’s] memoir shines a light on nurturing deficits repeated through generations and will lead many readers to relive their own struggles with forgiveness.”—Erica Jong, People
“An unusually graceful story, one that balances honesty and tact . . . Hafner narrates the events so adeptly that they feel enlightening.”—Harper’s
“Heartbreakingly honest, yet not without hope and flashes of wry humor.”—Kirkus Reviews
“[An] emotionally raw memoir examining the delicate, inevitable shift from dependence to independence and back again.”—O: The Oprah Magazine (Ten Titles to Pick Up Now)
“Scrap any romantic ideas about what goes on when a 40-something woman invites her mother to live with her and her teenage daughter for a year. As Hafner hilariously and touchingly tells it, being the center of a family sandwich is, well, complicated.”—Parade
“Brilliant . . . Mother Daughter Me is a beautifully written, intimately provocative, and courageous unpeeling of the deep rhythms of love, hate, fear, and redemption in three generations of females. I love this book!”—Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain
“An emotional whodunit that uses brilliant journalistic acumen to crack the code of old family secrets.”—Madeleine Blais, Pulitzer Prize–winning author of Uphill Walkers
“Heartbreakingly honest . . . In a narrative that skillfully moves between her present predicament and her difficult childhood, Hafner offers a compelling portrait of her remarkable mother and their troubled relationship.”—Kirkus Reviews
“Hafner writes with compassion and wit about the often uneasy alliance between mothers and daughters and the surprising ways in which relationships can be redeemed even late in life.”—Booklist
From the Hardcover edition.
About the Author
Katie Hafner is a frequent contributor to The New York Times, where she writes on healthcare and technology. She has also worked at Newsweek and BusinessWeek, and has written for The New York Times Magazine, Esquire, Wired, The New Republic, The Huffington Post, and O: The Oprah Magazine. She is the author of five previous books covering a diverse set of topics, including the origins of the Internet, computer hackers, German reunification, and the pianist Glenn Gould. She lives in San Francisco.
Most helpful customer reviews
55 of 60 people found the following review helpful.
A must-read this summer.
By Susan R. Levy
A must-read this summer is Katie Hafner's compelling memoir, "Mother Daughter Me" . The book chronicles the childhood of 2 little girls, Hafner and her sister, living in Florida with their young alcoholic mother and her revolving-door of boyfriends. When they are finally rescued from their mother's neglect they are sent up north to complete their childhood with their fairly absent father, cold step-mother and step-siblings.
Years later, at seventy-seven, the author's mother finds herself aging and alone. Some combination of optimism, moral commitment, kindness and decency inspire Hafner to set out to reinvent their relationship by helping her move to San Fransisco to live with Hafner and her teen daughter, Zoe. But as she describes it, "their year in Tuscany" did not turn out as she had fantasized, when childhood memories and resentments, that she thought were old history, quickly resurface with a vengeance.
I found the book hard to put down , mainly because Katie Hafner's writing style is so enjoyable to read . At times her story is tragic and heart-breaking, yet she manages to convey a great deal of humor and objectivity in observations of herself, raising a teen, her relationships and her diligent pursuit to establish a maternal connection for her mother herself and Zoe. I sometimes found myself crying and laughing all within one chapter. Definitely include this book in your beach bag; it is truly moving and inspiring.
28 of 30 people found the following review helpful.
Hafner puts it all out there - wonderful!
By Dylan Kaye
Although I am not the target audience for Mother Daughter Me, I found myself swept up by the authors heart-wrenching and painfully real story. Hafner's writing is very entertaining and she should be applauded for her honesty.
While I am not a daughter, I am a son of a mother and a grandson of a grandmother. Until reading Hafner's memoir I had never given much thought to my mother's life before my birth and her relationship with her own mother. I was intrigued by Hafner's detailed depiction of how difficult it can be to navigate inter-generational living. It made me appreciate my connection to my own mother and the sacrifices and choices she has made in terms of her children as well as her parents.
All three women in the novel are on display for the reader - there are no 'good' or 'bad' characters; they are just real people with real flaws. As a reader, I found myself growing to respect and understand the women even though I didn't always agree with the actions they took.
This is a memoir that almost anyone can relate to because it deals with some of the hard truths of family and relationships that we all face. Loved it!
37 of 42 people found the following review helpful.
Biographers: read this excellent example of how to write a memoir
By Angela M. Hey
In the opening pages Katie mentions a Steinway piano. I thoroughly enjoyed her book about Glenn Gould's piano - A Romance on Three Legs: Glenn Gould's Obsessive Quest for the Perfect Piano. Steinways figure in this masterfully crafted book too, which explains Katie's relationship with pianos, as well as people.
Anyone writing a biography or autobiography can learn much from Katie's brilliant writing style, which chronicles her relationships as both mother and daughter. I found a much more vulnerable Katie in this book than that suggested by her earlier techno-focused writings - Where Wizards Stay Up Late: The Origins Of The Internet and Cyberpunk. She notes that her mother, whose name is changed in the book, was less than thrilled to be featured in her daughter's memoir. Given the struggles between Katie, mother, daughter and lovers, I'm in awe of how she became a successful writer. A child of an alcoholic mother, broken families and multiple schools, Katie reveals her innermost feelings with a colorful vocabulary that makes this a book you can't put down.
If you've ever had to move your mother out of her home, or had your elderly mother reside in your home, then some of the tense scenes will be familiar. A fashionably, possessive single parent of a single child, Katie leads you through therapy sessions, teenage tantrums and traumatic dramas. It's understandable when she's suffered sudden losses of family members, that she clings to her daughter, the one branch of her family tree that seems secure.
Whether you come from a loving, stable family or a dysfunctional, querolous tribe, the book is strangely uplifting. The former can be grateful for their unchosen parents and a sense of security. They will learn what really goes on in the minds of people who outwardly might appear to have it all together, but come from broken homes. The latter can see how one can triumph despite family tragedies. It may trigger painful memories, that are best left buried.
Learn about death, divorce, despair and demands in this saga, which would make an excellent movie. The book has a West Coast vibe, open, energetic and confessional.
Alcoholics, past and present, may gain insights from Katie's mother and the effects she had on her family. Legal struggles and courtroom battles are documented. When Katie's parents, a highly intelligent couple grew apart, it shocked me how they could lead such very different lives. Not everyone wants to look back over their life, a point Katie's mother made to a therapist.
I thoroughly enjoyed the book and recommend it for its extraordinarily good writing style and insights into human relationships. If you don't want to be dragged into Katie's tragic upbringing then I understand why you might want to avoid this emotionally striking read.
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